Sunday, April 19, 2009

What do you do when you have a future-mother-in-law-zilla?

I love my fiance%26#039;s mother because she has done so much for he and i, and she is helping us out with a lot of the wedding expenses. she told me when her son proposed that she would make sure that i had the final say in all decisions, since it was my wedding and she didn%26#039;t have that luxury when she got married. Now, she is telling me i HAVE to walk down the aisle to THIS song, and the flower girl HAS to have this and that. the most recent is how ridiculous she thinks it would be for me to pay over $500 for the dress that i have found and fell in love with, because %26quot;you%26#039;re only going to wear it one time%26quot;. she literally yelled at me about how absurd she thought it was. I can%26#039;t tell her to shove off, because she%26#039;s helping us a lot with the wedding. I was planning on purchasing my dress myself, so she wouldn%26#039;t have to worry about it. What%26#039;s a mature, sensible way of dealing with her so we%26#039;re both happy?

What do you do when you have a future-mother-in-law-zilla?
Like someone else said above, this is just the beginning. I would definitely take care of this matter as soon as possible (before it gets any bigger) WITH your future husband because you two are going to be a TEAM for the rest of your life and you best learn how to resolve issues %26quot;together%26quot;.





So what if she%26#039;s footing the bill, she has already given you her word that you%26#039;ll have your final say in all decisions. I would gently but firmly remind her of that with your future husband supporting you, right by your side.





Please have a talk with your fiance. Make sure he is on the same page as you are. The wedding day is YOURS and your FIANCE%26#039;s.
Reply:thanks for the input. i talked to him and he says i should get what i want and his mom will just have to bite the bullet and deal with it. Report It

Reply:Gently remind her that it IS still your wedding and firmly let her know that because you only plan on getting married once, the dress that YOU are going to buy will be special enough to mark the occassion.
Reply:First, don%26#039;t tell her what you%26#039;re planning. Unless she%26#039;s paying for it, she doesn%26#039;t need to know the plans. I%26#039;m sorry, but its your own fault that she%26#039;s yelling at you about a $500 dress, because you shouldn%26#039;t have told her how much it cost.





For the tiny details, pick your battles. No one but you cares what song you walk down the aisle to, and no one at all cares what the flower girl is wearing or holding. The song will be nice, the girl will look cute, and you%26#039;ll be stunning no matter what. So give a little on the things that don%26#039;t matter, because it will go a long way toward getting her to keep her mouth shut about the things that do really matter.





You said the most important thing about why she%26#039;s being like this. Planning a wedding is something she never got to do. So she%26#039;s caught up in it. The best advice I can give you is for you to pick some things that you don%26#039;t care about so much, and give her those responsiblities. This worked wonders for me. Tell her %26quot;I can%26#039;t handle all this, will you pretty please help me by finding/making the pew bows?%26quot;
Reply:Just be polite. However, you have dug yourself into a hole, since you and your bf aren%26#039;t paying for the whole wedding yourselves.
Reply:just sit her down and tell her how gratefull you and your fiance are for all her help and that she has good taste and most of the things you do agree with her...even if you dont and tell her that you feel like shes shoving you off and that you know shes excited and that you dont want to hurt her feelings but shes making you feel like its not your wedding its hers..and tell her about the major things that bother you...the little things let them go..compliment her on the good ideas thats shes had...im sure if shes wants the best for you and her son she will back off..if she doesnt then get your fiance invovled..hes gonna need to talk to her if she doesnt change..but make sure its just you and her at first..so that you dont embarras her..
Reply:Repeat after me: %26quot;Hmm, well, (future mother-in-law), I hear and appreciate what you are saying. I prefer this particular (song, dress, caterer).%26quot; or %26quot;Wow (future mother-in-law) I hadn%26#039;t thought of that. Thanks for your input. I%26#039;ll consider it.%26quot;





Make sure you have backup - your maid of honor, friend or mother should be with you to reinforce your choices and support you.





UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU DRAG YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND INTO THIS!
Reply:I would lay the guilt on her. Just say remember how much you wished you could have done more to plan for your own wedding, well, fiance and I want to have that kind of fun too. I appreaciate all of your help, but honestly, we want to do more of this for ourselves.





This is the problem when you allow someone else to pay for things. They also feel entitled to give their opinion because its their money.
Reply:You need to sit her down and say %26quot;Remember when you said that you want this weeding to be about me? Well, I feel that maybe we%26#039;ve drifted away from that. I know you didn%26#039;t get to have the wedding you wanted, but it seems to me that right now, I might not get the wedding I want, either. I know you%26#039;re just trying to be helpful, but I thought we agreed that I would get the final say. I don%26#039;t want you to feel like you%26#039;re not needed, because you are, and I appreciate everything you%26#039;re doing, but I also feel like I%26#039;m getting less input into what I want for my special day.%26quot;





If you make it sound like these are your thoughts and if you don%26#039;t accuse her of anything, she should probably take it alright. Hopefully she will be a grownup about it and back off on the %26quot;bridezilla%26quot; that she obviously didn%26#039;t get to do for her own wedding.





Congratulations and good luck!





Edit: I have to agree with the first poster. Don%26#039;t drag your hubby into this. You don%26#039;t want to put him in the position where he has to pick between his mother and his bride. This is something you and she can work out together, without putting him in the middle.
Reply:I have a feeling this wedding is only the beginning of your problems. Time for you and Mr. Groomie to take a stand together. If he does not back you and take a united stand now, he never will. This would not have a good outcome for the longevity of your marriage. Best of Luck, you are going to need it.
Reply:From my own MIL and wedding experiences, I think that you should do your very best to keep her happy. I didn%26#039;t with my MIL and now I regret it because our relationship is strained and it has put a lot of stress on my husband. So, even when she is being crazy, try your best to keep it friendly.





But even with that being said, if you are paying for the dress, then she has no business telling you what to buy. I would do what you want with that. Ironic isn%26#039;t it, that she yells at you about being mature? Since when is yelling at your future daughter-in-law mature?
Reply:I would sit her down and tell her that although you appreciate all the contributions that she has made for your big day, it is still YOUR day (well and your future husbands of course!). Explain to her that you have been waiting for this day for a long time, and that you have been looking forward to the planning. It sounds like she is doing exactly what was done to her when she got married!! As far as the dress goes....buy it!!! Yes, you only get to wear it once, which is all the more reason to get what you want! Unless you are putting you and your new husband into overwhelming debt, there is no reason why you shouldn%26#039;t splurge a bit. Hope this helps. Congrats!



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